MIROKU: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
by MapleRose
Summary: Learn how to take care of your very own Perverted and Cursed Houshi: MIROKU!


AN: here's the Miroku unit, enjoy!

Disclaimer: Miroku and cast of Inuyasha belongs to Rumiko Takahashi; original _Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual_ idea belongs to Teresa Green.

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**MIROKU: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual**

_Congratulations_! You are now the proud owner of a fully-automated MIROKU unit. To ensure that you get the full use and benefits of your Perverted and Cursed Houshi, please pay close attention to the following instructions:

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**Basic Information**

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Name: Miroku (a.k.a. Miroku-sama, Houshi-sama, Pervert, Bouzo, Monk)

Date of Manufacture: Sometime during Sengoku Jidai

Place of Manufacture: Japan

Genetic Type: Human

Height: 165 cm (source: absolute anime)

Weight: Heavy

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**Your MIROKU unit will come with the following accessories:**

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One (1) monk's robe, purple

One (1) Shakujou™ (monk's staff)

Fifty (50) OFUDA™ (paper charms)

One (1) authentic KAZAANA™ (Wind Tunnel)

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Please note that only 50 OFUDAs™ are included with your MIROKU unit, but refills are available for the low price of $1567.99. Also note that since the KAZAANA™ is authentic, you may be sucked up into it if not careful. More instructions on the KAZAANA™ are in the programming section below.

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**Programming:**

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The MIROKU unit is generally nice and easygoing, flirtatious even. He will gladly serve in as many modes as possible, provided you give something to him in return.

**EXORCIST: **Being a Houshi, the MIROKU is quite knowledgeable in the art of exorcism. So if your neighbours are haunted by a spirit or demon, get the MIROKU to chase them out. Since he charges quite a large fee, start your own company and get rich fast!

**BODYGUARD: **The MIROKU unit is fairly strong in combat even though he may not look like it. He can whack your enemies with his staff, or if your enemy is evil, he can exorcise the evil with the OFUDA™. In extreme situations, he can use the KAZAANA™ as a weapon. However, this is not recommended, because anything sucked into the KAZAANA™ will not be able to come back. He is loyal, and is willing to protect you once the two of you become friends.

**CON ARTIST: **Need some quick cash, a meal, or a place to stay? Well, the MIROKU unit is an expert at getting provisions fast, as long as you don't mind a bit of lying and cheating here and there. Just make sure you don't get conned.

**BOYFRIEND: **Even though the MIROKU is sometimes perverted and a playboy, he does have a caring and sweet side, and his exterior design is quite pleasing to the eye. However, you may have to put up with his infidelity until you've mastered this program, and be wary of his hands (no, not just the KAZAANA™ hand). Also, please do us all a favour and remove all SANGO units prior to running this program, as she can be extremely violent and jealous.

**VACUUM CLEANER/GARBAGE DISPOSAL/DEMOLITION SPECIALIST: **Your MIROKU's KAZAANA™ is an authentic black hole. Anything that's sucked into it will disappear forever. While it is sort of dangerous, it does make a good vacuum cleaner. The KAZAANA™ has three settings:

1. The LOW setting has the suction power of a regular Hoover (and 5 times quieter). It can be used for picking up dust, loose paper, lint, and anything weighing less than five grams. It is probably the setting you're going to use the most. It's quiet, portable, and easy to use. And, since the KAZAANA is attached to the MIROKU, he can do the chore for you. You never have to vacuum again!

2. The MEDIUM setting can be used as a garbage disposal. At this level, the KAZAANA™ can pick up kitchen waste, hedge and grass clippings, branches, and just about any type of household waste (organic and inorganic). You don't have to worry about taking out the trash anymore, and, you will be saving a lot of space taken up by landfills.

3. The HIGH setting is _EXTREMELY DANGEROUS_! Please handle with care, as the KAZAANA™ can pick up people, cars, trees, boulders, dogs, and even houses. It is good for demolition jobs, but please remember: **_Anything sucked into the KAZAANA™ cannot be retrieved_**! So use this level sparingly, and only use in extreme cases.

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**Your MIROKU has five (5) different settings:**

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Laidback/Flirtatious (Default Setting)

Angry

Gentle/Sweet

Perverted

Serious

Note that the Gentle/Sweet mode is reserved for when a SANGO unit is near. The Perverted mode is activated when a female is near. The Angry mode is triggered when a SANGO unit, or any of his friend units are in danger. Serious mode is usually for the BODYGUARD program, or during any discussions concerning the SHIKON JEWEL™ or the KAZAANA™.

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**Relations with other units:**

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Your MIROKU unit is used to travelling by himself, so he may be wary of strangers at first. But take the time to get to know him, you'll see that he's really friendly and loyal (except when it comes to women).

**SANGO:** Most compatible unit with the MIROKU. She will be a companion to him and fight by his side. And this unit is the key to activating your MIROKU's Gentle/Sweet mode. However, this unit can be extremely jealous and dangerous when your MIROKU unit goes after other female units. Please step away from her when she's in her violent mode to avoid injury to yourself (Unfortunately you can't do anything about the potential damage to your MIROKU unit, as it was him that triggered the SANGO's anger. But don't worry, the MIROKU is quite durable and can withstand her physical abuses).

**INUYASHA: **Although the first encounter between this unit and your MIROKU is less than friendly, give them more interaction time and you'll see that these two units are actually quite compatible. The INUYASHA will often bail your MIROKU out of trouble and knock some sense into him when he is in his self-sacrificing mood.

**NARAKU:** This is your MIROKU's nemesis. WARNING: keep your MIROKU away from this unit as much as possible, because this unit comes with SAIMYOUSHOU™ that will harm and possibly kill your MIROKU if they get sucked into the KAZAANA™. However, this unit is also the key to removing the KAZAANA™ should you ever want it gone. See the FAQ section for more details.

**Other unit interactions:**

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**KAGOME: **Another compatible unit with the MIROKU. He seem to hit on her at first, but don't be alarmed, because the MIROKU does that with most female units he meets. The KAGOME and your MIROKU are just friends, and she will help your MIROKU fight.

**SHIPPO: **This unit is also compatible with the MIROKU. He will be making side commentaries on your MIROKU's acts of idiocy, so if you don't want to here these comments, don't let the SHIPPO see your MIROKU do anything stupid.

**HACHI: **A long-time friend to your MIROKU unit, this unit will help your MIROKU out whenever he asks (read: threatens) him. This unit can provide transportation for your MIROKU, and you can tag along.

**MUSHIN: **This unit is your MIROKU's guardian and mentor. However, this unit likes to make crude jokes, and is usually drunk. But don't worry, the MIROKU can handle this unit quite well. This unit is also capable of fixing your MIROKU's KAZAANA™ if the damage isn't too serious.

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**Cleaning:**

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Your MIROKU is capable of cleaning himself. However, if you're female, his Perverted mode may become active and he will ask you to clean him. If you don't mind, go ahead. But if you are too embarrassed, don't be afraid to say no. Please remember the following: do not machine-wash unit; towel-dry only, do not tumble dry; and remember: _do NOT remove the cloth and prayer beads covering the KAZAANA™ during cleaning! _

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**Energy:**

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Your MIROKU unit needs nourishment to live a healthy life. He isn't usually picky, but he does enjoy good food once in a while. Take him to the best restaurant in town once in a while to keep him happy.

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**Frequently Asked Questions:**

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Q: Okay, this is weird. My MIROKU just asked me to bear his child. I'm only 14! I'm not ready to have children yet! I'm scared! And he keeps on trying to grope me…

A: Relax! He's not serious, that's just his line every time he meets a female (unit or human). Just tell him NO, slap him, or hit him over the head with something (preferable a giant boomerang). Don't worry, he won't break if you hit him, he's built to take quite some abuse.

Q: Why does my MIROKU go after _every_ single girl he meets! He's even asked my best friend to have his child! Isn't he suppose to be _mine_!

A: The flirtatious-ness is in his programming. If you wanted a loyal puppy that'll stay by your side, why not try the KOUGA instead. Just ignore him, most of the time he's not really serious about it (and tell your friend not to take his word so seriously). Alternatively, get a SANGO unit to keep him in line (just don't mind your MIROKU taking some physical abuse).

Q: Ack! Help, I accidentally sucked my dog/little brother/parents into the KAZAANA™! What do I do!

A: Well, we warned you many _many_ times that anything sucked into the KAZAANA™ cannot be reclaimed. And as the waiver you've signed during purchase states, we're not responsible in any way to accidents that the KAZAANA™ may cause. We're afraid you'll have to go dog/little brother/parents–less.

Q: Will the KAZAANA™ be dangerous to my MIROKU's health?

A: The KAZAANA™ will grow bigger and bigger slowly, until it will suck him in one day. But don't be scared, find a NARAKU unit and kill it, and your KAZAANA™ will disappear. Alternatively, if you cannot do that, or you want his KAZAANA™ to stay without growing, we're currently developing a chip to stabilize the KAZAANA™, and you can purchase it for the low low price of $434263.99.

Q: I'm tired of the KAZAANA™! It's too dangerous for me, and it's annoying.

A: See above: destroy a NARAKU unit and it'll be gone. For faster results, come to us and get it surgically removed for $524656.99.

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**Troubleshooting:**

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Problem: Your MIROKU looks sick, he's often seen holding his hand and winces in pain.

Solution: You must've sucked up something poisonous into his KAZAANA™ (like maybe the SAIMYOUSHOU™ that comes with a NARAKU unit). Give him lots of rest, water, and medicine (Tylenol or Aspirin usually works, but don't overdose!). Stop using the KAZAANA™ in the mean time. Depending on how much poison he sucked in, it'll take about 2 days to 2 weeks for him to recover.

Problem: Your MIROKU's KAZAANA™ has a cut in it, and you're afraid it might grow faster, or that it will hurt your MIROKU.

Solution: Find the nearest MUSHIN unit and let him repair the KAZAANA™. If the damage is too serious however, we suggest to come to us right away to get it surgically removed or stablilized.

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With proper care and maintenance, your MIROKU unit will lead a long and happy life (especially if you've got the KAZAANA™ removed/stabilized). But if you're sick of his unfaithfulness and perverted nature, simply suck him into his own KAZAANA™ (though if you change your mind later, you'll have to get a new model). Hopefully, it won't come to that, and you will keep your MIROKU for life.

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AN: okay, I had lots of fun poking fun at the KAZAANA, esp the vacuum connection, probably due to Kagome's daydream in ep 135 :D. You know, if we really had an authentic KAZAANA, we'd solve the world's garbage and landfill problems :D 

Anyway, review please!


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